Me: "The doctor's picked up all his messages for today, but I'd be happy to leave him a message for tomorrow."
Patient: "Is he still THERE?"
Me: "Did you leave him a message earlier today?"
Patient: "No, but..."
Me: "Is it an emergency?"
Me: "What is your emergency?"
Patient: "I have been taking high doses of iron pills. I'm so constipated. It's like....it's impacted."
Patient: "I tried a suppository laxative...and it didn't work."
Me: "Ok...I can have the doctor call you tomorrow..."
Patient: "No. I'm sticking my hand UP MY ASS with a RUBBER GLOVE ON and PULLING SHIT OUT OF MY ASS AND IT'S HARD AS A ROCK."
Me: "Oh my!"
I take her name and number down with an "ASAP" on the top of the message for Dr. C.
I pretty much had the patient's story committed to memory, as if I could forget it. But I didn't know quite how to word the message to the doctor, which goes back in the chart as a matter of the patient's record.
I decided on the following:
"Patient is pulling stool out of her rectum with a rubber glove up her anus and her stool is very solid. Patient is complaining of a great deal of discomfort."
I was too busy to ask the doctor what became of the patient and her bowel troubles, but I have to say, I deal with an awful lot of "impacted crap" from people every day...