Thursday, August 8, 2013

It's Already Out There.



Ok, let's just get this one thing straight: I don't make out with all of my male friends. I have lots of male friends. Lots of cute ones. That doesn't mean an amorous congressional hearing is taking place every time I go out.

I don't want to make out with all of my male friends. Girls are a little more discriminatory than guys are about who they want to kiss and who they don't want to kiss. Usually, if you're a guy and a girl who's your friend (who you think is cute) wants to kiss you, you're like, "Yay!" Right? So you end up kissing at some point and you're like "Yay!" Right? (Or, if you're gay, you know, you do do your own thing, etc.)

So I don't go around indiscriminately smooching people.

There are friends of mine who are male who I'd love to make out with, but it's logistically improbable or geographically impossible. So I don't kiss them either.

I kiss friends, who are guys, who kiss me too. I see nothing wrong with this. It's enjoyable. Keep in mind I'm not sleeping with anyone, despite the fact that yes, Guy knows damn well I *would* sleep with him, it's a dream, largely, but neither of us wants to get killed, and it'd turn something complicated into something REALLY complicated and would probably wreck the friendship, which means the world to me.

He should know me well enough by now (he does, he's just really awkward and taken aback, & it goes back to his denial of his attractiveness versus his general....I don't even know what to call it, and Catholic guilt) that I'm not going to honestly ask him to give serious consideration to my frequently-medication-enhanced Ambiensiac/Valiumed late-night email fantasy ideas. (HA! Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" just came on iTunes.)


Guy, if you're going to kiss me, don't *blame* me because you kissed me. Don't blame Demon Alcohol. I didn't force-kiss you. You kissed me first! You should kiss me like it's your last fucking day on Planet Earth, which it very well might be. Maybe you only like to kiss me when you're tipsy, which I guess is pretty common with guys, I don't know. Tell me I'm pretty, because you think I'm pretty. Hold my hand, because that's polite. Hug me because we ARE friends and I'm infinitely huggy and I love to be held. You can't tell me you love me and not love me at the same time (theoretically, anyway). Confused? Me too.

So I'm recently single. I mean, I was the whole time, but that includes recently.

"Call the cops! It's already out there!"










14 comments:

Very Moon said...

Honestly, my first reaction is, you okay? I feel like we should go get a bucket of ice cream and 3 pots of coffee. (I don't like ice cream that much, but it seems like that's what people do, so, if you have other suggestions, throw them out there.) I'm not sure I'm reading the post right, so I may be overemotional to the recently single news. I may just be over emotional lately. :P

Also, Meg Ryan is so YOUNG here!

Andrea Miklasz said...

I'm fine. I'm just letting it lie. I'm not recently single, I've been single for over 3 years, but that includes recently.

I feel more like the Billy Crystal in this clip than the Meg Ryan, who's acting more like Guy.

Anonymous said...

Kissing other people is no huge deal. It's really pretty innocent excitement.

I saw somewhere online today that masturbating while thinking about your wife/husband is like having a real estate agent show you your own house.

Jazz things up, you know?

Andrea Miklasz said...

HA! That's so true! Why would you want to waste your fantasies on people you're already with? How boring is that?

BMF said...

He's nuts, that Guy.

BMF said...

I liked when Annie said to kiss her "like it's your last day on fucking planet earth." That's how every man should kiss every woman, or whatever you dig.

I still think he's just intimidated by her charm and the fact she's so straightforward. Maybe not enough mystery. For being as unpredictable as you are, Annie, you're totally predictable.

I must say, I'm not terribly pleased with my last haircut, but I don't look like I'm in Devo. I look like Beaver Cleaver.

Oh, for God's sake, Guy, carpe diem!

BMF said...

No, Annie, wait. I forgot. I'm wracking my brain over this. YOU FORGOT CARDINAL (ha, I made a Catholic joke) RULE #1, WHICH IS THIS, which was established the FIRST time Guy kissed Annie, like 5 years ago:

ANY AND ALL AFFECTION DISPLAYED BY GUY TOWARDS ANNIE IS ANNIE'S IDEA & GUY JUST GOES ALONG WITH IT BECAUSE HE'S NOT AFFECTIONATE.

Bam!

Andrea Miklasz said...

Oh yeah, I forgot....it's all me.

It's not him.

That said, I need to be more subtle.

And distant. And hard to get.

And not stupid.


Andrea Miklasz said...

I really can't say anything bad about Guy because he saved my hide yesterday when something could've gone terribly wrong. That's as much as I'm going to say about it, but he's an angel and I love him for it.

And yes, for that, I'd kiss him.

Anonymous said...

I think it's a misnomer that guys only kiss chicks when they're drunk. It's when we get the, well, you know....we want it most, it doesn't mean we're not thinking about doing it to you all the time.

Anonymous said...

Snitches get stitches.

Andrea Miklasz said...

It'd be super if "SOMEONE" knew "ANYTHING" were each one and not two words apiece.

Everything is true. I just happen to lead an extremely colorful life, unlike most people.

Very Moon said...

I kinda wanna take tracking lessons from you. I feel like I could learn something.

Andrea Miklasz said...

I don't police the site, and y'all are welcome to visit 24/7, but say something crappy or mean to me, hell yes I'm going to trace and block.

Think of me as the "Q" in a James Bond movie. I come up with all the secret codes and weaponry.