Thursday, August 22, 2013

This Is Getting Out of Fucking Hand (Pun Intended)

I was just about to fold a gigantic pile of my teenager's black ankle socks. Then I thought to myself, "Self? He's perfectly capable of folding his own socks. Leave them on his bed and WALK AWAY." So I did. So I thought I'd catch up on my online news (?) reading. Pandora's on in the background, keeping the beat for the afternoon.



What's playing?

This bullcrap.



I mean, at least I'm not sobbing, like when Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" comes on. (Well, for starters, I'm not drinking.)

I'm just increasingly aggravated, and can anyone really blame me?


My, uh, gentleman friend recently harped at me (during a completely unrelated conversation) for persisting in suggesting we...oh, how do I say it delicately? Ok, I relentlessly jibba jabba flirtatiously about making a stitch in our otherwise quasi-not-really-amorous friendship. Because every Guy can't stand it when an attractive young woman pesters him about trying to bed him, right? Sure! The dry spell is bordering on 4 years, and I'm getting more and more frustrated. I don't (just as I don't want to kiss) just want to roll in the hay with anyone, though I'm sure I could find *somebody* willing to bed me. That poor man. Shall we convene a convivial conference post haste? In my opinion, hells yeah!

Experts in the platonic (male and female) game think that he secretly doesn't want me to stop being suggestive, because it feeds his ego. Others say it's a total case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too, a metaphor I never really understood, but alright. Some say it's a game; others, not so sure of his intent. Some say I should put a lid on it altogether, for we always want what we can't have (ain't that the truth?).



We had this Chivas-fueled discussion the other night (at least I think he was on the sauce, again) where he said that lots of people get really randy after they exercise....the endorphins, you know. I, for one, thought the endorphin rush of exercising would be enough to, uh, stimulate one or charge one, but then I'm reading this article in the Huffington Post (as sponsored by Oprah's OWN network) that confirms his statement! I'm like, "Dude, next time you go for a run, come over to MY house!"



The article's suggestion to put socks on in order to get in the mood sort of confused me, but evidently, if you're warm, you're more likely to be ready for sex. Barring that, you should go to the gym & work yourself into a horny frenzy. Barring THAT, you should spend some time daydreaming. Barring THAT, if it's been weeks and your lover still hasn't touched you, the article advises you invest in a quality vibrator. Korean raw ginseng is also supposed to have horny properties, so go get some of that. (FYI, no, actually, not to be gross or cheeky or TMI, but no, I don't own a vibrator. Should I?)






16 comments:

Anonymous said...

GET A VIBRATOR! THEY'RE GREAT TO HAVE AMONG OTHER "THINGS"....

Very Moon said...

I can recommend some quality, let's call them, "self entertainment devices". It helps, but here's the thing- I'm pretty sure you don't need to just blow a wad of oxytocin. You want to bond, and bond in ways beyond kissing.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Absolutely, Very....I could've invested in a Hitachi years ago, but dummy me is holding out for the real deal....why, why, why????

BMF said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

CARPE DIEM, GUY!

(Annie, I'm raising my eyebrows at you, but you can't see that.)

Rob Cheney said...

Guy friend stop beating around the bush (metaphorically and literally) and fiff faffing around

Rob Cheney said...

Before that ship sails and Annie meets a terrific someone who gives her the happiness she deserves

Andrea Miklasz said...

Yes, I've had quite enough of this fiff-faffing!

God, I love Rob Britishisms.

Guy's going to tell me to indeed go out and find someone who'll make me happy and leave him the hell alone already.

Which would shatter me!

People on "The Love Boat" never had this kind of trouble.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Very, I *have* an iPod. What other "Self-entertainment devices" could I possibly need? ;)

Anonymous said...

How about a Game Boy?

Andrea Miklasz said...

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that Guy *is* irritated by my lust. (Which would be really insane...)

In that event, I don't think it's very sporting of him to give me absolutely nothing else to go by other than the tidbits he's trickled over the years for me to wonder about. As I was telling Very today, I don't even know if the man has chest hair. This, to me, is a sort of critical detail in order to augment my,er,imagination.

The most I have to run with is him in scrubs (yowsa!).

Not. Fair.

Very's like, "Just ask him!"

Oh yeah, no problem.

Very Moon said...

Ask him to wear scrubs and then just flash you upon whence next you meet again? ;D EVER HELPFUL, -VERY.

I dunno. I guess I'd be at the point of just being aggressive. But I so conveniently forget about the times I've respected people's boundaries.

I suppose you could run your hands over his chest, and see if there's any fluff to his shirt. I'm just trying to be helpful here. Am I being helpful yet?

PS. Your capchas are weird. Those aren't even real words. The second thing is a #.

Andrea Miklasz said...

Not sure about the captchas.

Digging the scrubs idea, though!

Anonymous said...

Take a hot yoga class together! (Yes, there's a thing called "hot yoga.")

That way, you get the endorphins rushing, you're already half-naked and sweating--and getting your exercise in at the same time.

Then let nature take its course.

Andrea Miklasz said...

OMG, that would totally rock to take yoga with him. It's kinda got that Kama Sutra vibe going with it, you know? I need to work out. Like now. (Well, not *right* now, I just ate dinner.

Am I the only one who thinks the 70's "Massage Your Partner" picture looks just slightly like Guy did in his 20's, probably? (Those of you close to me who've seen him.)

Very's dead on, though, I want the affection and the bonding, which does NOT have to affect anything else he's got going on. Toys just don't offer that. Methinks he's not completely,uh, getting enough for his overall randiness.

Though toys *with* your partner can be really fun, depending....

BMF said...

I agree. Take a yoga class together. OR have him come over and to Yin Yoga together. It'd be something FRIENDS do together!

Andrea Miklasz said...

Update! He was brave enough to reveal he has gray chest hair. Not ponying up a session, but I'll be preoccupied for days on end. Thanks Guy. That's fucking hot.